A Tree Grows In Wales
by ArtificialAorta
Summary: Gwen invited Jack and Ianto to a Cooper Clan get together in the county. She's never going to make that mistake again...


Spoilers/ Warnings: Set after S2 but no ep spoilers.

Disclaimer: I don't own them...and if I did, I'd take better care of them. Oh and all naughty decisions made by John and Scott :p

A/N: Inspired by one of John and Scott's shenanigans as explained in Anything Goes.

A/N2: Not betaed so all mistakes are mine. Forgive me!

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"Jack Harkness! Ianto Jones! I'm going to kill the both of you! Stop right now!" Gwen shouted as she started to catch up with her two team mates scurrying down the hall. Sighing, the two men stopped with their eyes cast in forlorn hope towards the door a few steps away. Jack put a reassuring hand on Ianto's shoulder and gestured to the door, telling him silently to run for safety. The young Welshman uttered a quiet thanks before slipping into the room.

"Gwen!" Jack said cheerfully before turning around to face her. He adopted a strong and grounded stance, looking straight at Gwen with a somewhat jolly expression. One seething look from Gwen made him falter slightly.

"I can't believe you two! Don't you have any shame?" She started in rage.

"Well I admit I think I'm rubbing off on Ianto-"

"What is wrong with you? Do you know how hard it was to convince Rhys to let me invite you?" Gwen continued, cutting Jack off from what would have been an innuendo filled punch line.

"Yes and I'm sorry!"

"No Jack! I don't think you are! It was a fucking headache trying to convince my family to let you come here as well! What with booking a hotel room for you last minute. My cousin-"

"I know. You're cousin is big headed and pompous and invites the family to their country estate to brag about how great her jet set life is." Interrupted Jack, hoping to get Gwen to calm down to a point where reasoning was possible.

"Yes!"

"And you wanted to impress her with the two cute guys you work with."

"Yeah but I regret that now! God Jack, don't you ever _think_?" Gwen questioned angrily and Jack knew there was no way he was going to win this. As usual.

"I do-"

"No you don't! Seriously Jack...a tree?"

"A tree but let me ex-"

"A tree Jack! A tree you sick bastard!"

"Yes Gwen...a tree." Jack shrugged, all hope of a calm conversation lost and he decided to let Gwen vent as much as she wanted.

"With Ianto."

"Yes."

"Jack, you had sex with Ianto!"

"Yes I did Gwen."

"In a tree!"

"Yeah...sorry?"

"No you're not!"

"No, I'm not actually." Jack smirked. The memory was very fresh and made him euphoric, despite the rage currently seeping from Gwen. He was about to become glassy-eyed as he relived the moment but a particularly angry Welshwoman stopped him before he had a chance.

"You had sex in a tree!"

"Well actually we hung from the branches more than anything." Grinned Jack, a particularly acrobatic moment still playing in his mind.

"In a tree! Like a couple of monkeys!" Continued Gwen, trying to get Jack to understand the errors of his ways, despite his exhibitionist personality. Some things needed an enclosed and locked space. Especially with the whole Cooper clan is walking about.

"Again sorry."

"All in front of my _mother_!" Gwen snarled out and Jack had to agree that wasn't very tactful on his part.

"Hey in our defence we didn't know she was watching. You should talk to her about that. It's sort of rude."

"You are a breeder of ill judgement and ill morals! You're corrupting Ianto!"

"Well I'm a breeder all right!" Jack laughed as Gwen growled and threw up her arms in frustration.

"I am never inviting you to anything ever again Harkness!" She shouted before walking away. A few moments later, Ianto poked his head through a small crack in the doorway.

"Is she gone?" He asked tentatively and relaxed when Jack nodded.

"You know, I'm very tempted to tell her it was actually your idea to shag hanging from the tree branches." Mused Jack, letting Ianto pull him into the room.

"She'll never believe you."

"Yeah, so much for the truth right?" Jack shrugged.

"Well, if you wish sir, the hotel pool should be closing soon." Ianto suggested with a smirk and raise of the brow.

"So?" Asked Jack, not understanding what he was hinting at.

"It's a rather short gate. We could jump over it easily." Continued Ianto.

"I didn't bring any swimming wear."

"Neither did I." Ianto smiled deviously and Jack finally caught on. Jack started for the door before turning to Ianto with an accusing finger.

"Ianto Jones, I dare say you're the breeder of corruption between the two of us."

"I try my best sir."


End file.
